One stumbling block for me all along with my divorce was jealousy of my ex-husband, that he “got” my two disaffected children in the divorce instead of me, as if they were a lamp or a sofa. This time, it was my therapist not my friends, who pounded right thinking into my head. “It is not a competition,” she said, over and over, and finally, I got it. Looking back it seems laughable and more than a little sad that I ever looked at it that way, but I did. Before the divorce, I knew that there was more than enough love to go around, but caught in the maelstrom of my own pain, I forgot it for a while. Now I know it again.
I guess the only good thing I did during the whole process was that I did not speak ill of my ex-husband to the kids. On occasion it was hard to refrain, but I was able to discipline myself, until now we are friends again and I no longer have the desire. I have heard so many people say that all they care about is the children and will do whatever it takes to make sure the children are okay and always put them first no matter what, and then turn around and completely eviscerate the other parent, in the flesh or in absentia, in front of the kids. I think it is a blind spot; they truly don’t realize what they are doing because they feel so justified in the feelings they are having. Alert: It does not matter if you only say it on Sundays, before visitation, or only when you are really mad, or only when you feel really justified and you are ABSOLUTELY right and he is ABSOLUTELY wrong. It doesn’t matter if he talks trash about you, so you should be able to defend yourself. No, ixnay, never, not once, period. If you mean to do the best by your children, then live by that and complain about your ex to your parents, your therapist, your hairdresser, your friends and anyone else who will listen, but not to your children.
There. I feel better. Divorce is a hard topic, and I don’t much like talking about it. Those were the worst of times, but they are over now and that’s the best I can say to anyone who is going through it. It will be over, life will move on and grace will return to your life, as it has to mine.